Let's Be Real

Let's be real. I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and I'm miserable. It almost feels like a sin to write that, but it is true. I'm typically able to see the positive angle and put a smile on, no matter how difficult things are. Not these days. I really just want to crawl in bed and avoid people...and standing up. (Any of you who know me remotely well know how odd this is.)

This pregnancy has been so different from my other three. I typically enjoy being pregnant (until the last 2-3 weeks). This one has been very difficult. My iron levels have been low, leaving me with unusual fatigue. I've already gained 50 pounds and I still have four weeks to go. I have no idea why. I've never gained more than 42 pounds and that was when Titus arrived 13 days past his due date. My profile seriously looks like I have a watermelon attached to the front of me. Not a basketball--a watermelon. Everywhere I go, people stare and ask if I was due last week or if I'm carrying twins. I feel pretty good when I first wake up, but my body is done after about 2-3 hours. Then everything begins to hurt and swell. Seriously. By about 10 a.m., I'm wondering if it is almost bedtime. I feel like I am living in a stranger's body.

There are toys, clothes, and shoes strewn all over my house. Six loads of laundry are waiting for me in the bathroom. There are dirty dishes in the sink from dinner. Yesterday's dinner. I haven't made a "real" dinner in well over a month and I'm starved for one. (I'm so thankful for a husband who will say, "It's okay. Let's just go out to eat." or "I'll just grill some hamburgers." or "We can just eat turkey sandwiches.) And the thought of it makes me cry.

I tried to take my kids to the park this morning, but ended up on the bench watching them play. It hurt too much to stand for long. So, I asked Titus if he would help and push his little brother. I'm so thankful for a son who would happily stop his game and run over to push his baby brother in the swing. I'm a blessed momma. And that makes me cry, too.

Then we came home and I let my kids watch too much TV while I napped and rested my back and legs. (I am typically NOT a napper!)

My baby, who is really not a baby anymore, woke up from his nap grumpy and crying about everything and nothing (like his pregnant momma). I tried to take him for a walk (more of a waddle) around the block (the BLOCK, not the neighborhood) to distract him from his grumpiness and had to stop four times to catch my breath! Part of this was due to the Braxton Hicks contractions I kept having, I'm sure.

At bedtime, Titus asked me to read two more chapters in our book and I just couldn't do it tonight. I asked him if he would mind reading to himself in his bed. He was very disappointed, but he did it, and writing that makes me cry all over again.

When I prayed with Audra, she smothered The Belly and me with affection and giggles. I tucked in my sweet babies, who love me so unconditionally, and then collapsed into my chair and cried big, indulgent pregnant tears. Tears that cried out, "I feel so miserable. How can I do this every day for another month? I can't even function." Tears that cried out for my neglected home and children. Tears that expose my feelings of being unable to be a good mother right now.

And then I remembered something.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

And I remembered something else:

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

And one more thing:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:1


And the powerful Truth of that brings me peace...and purpose.