Tonight Audra had her very first dance recital. Actually, it was an end of the semester preview so parents could see what their daughters had learned so far. Audra's class did a dance to the song, "Happy All The Time." As soon as she got on to the stage, she saw me and called out, "Hi Mommy!" (Snicker, snicker from the audience. "Isn't she cute?") Then she burst into tears! So, while all the other little girls danced and leaped to "Happy All The Time", Audra stood up there frozen and cried into her skirt. The entire song! (If you click on the pictures, you can see a larger picture and fully appreciate her facial expressions.)
After her song, she climbed into my lap and I tried to show her how all the older girls danced with such happy hearts because they were having fun and worshipping God. She didn't fully recover until we were half way home when she began laughing and singing at the top of her lungs: "Upright, Downright, Inright, Outright Happy All The Time!" Scott and I just laughed...she was only 30 minutes late! Her sanguine display from the backseat would have been adorable on stage!
As I write this, I am reminded of something Beth Moore wrote in the Bible study I'm doing this year: "one of the most powerful mood changers God had ever taught me was to open up my mouth and say, 'I choose joy. I may not feel it, but God has appropriated it and I choose it." I suppose we'll have to keep working on that one! ;)
4 comments:
Audra is such a sweetie and those picture are soo darling! I've been coming to terms lately with how to deal with feeling sad and mad. I was reading again that Jesus was a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3) and realizing this has been so validating for the emotions I was taught were 'bad'...I am glad to have this to show my kids that sorrow and joy can coexist. Such a profound concept huh...I'm still figuring it out and probably will still be learning about it the rest of my life! :P
I think that is a really good point, Stephanie. Scott actually brought that up with me last year in regards to parenting...that our children don't have to have "happy hearts" all the time. At the moment we have settled on allowing our kids to say things like, "I feel disappointed about turning off noggin, but I will obey anyway."
I guess that is my way of allowing them to express how they are feeling (in a kind way), but still expecting them to obey. That is one of the things we are working on anyway. I hope that is a good way to do it.
Do any of you have other thoughts or suggestions? I think this is a good discussion.
Yeah, I think there is a lot to be said for age-appropriate behavior. We can't expect them to act emotionally stable and have that kind of maturity when they're tiny, no matter how annoying they're being. (And believe me, I get rrreally annoyed when they're disobeying and/or pitching a fit.) With Judah we've always told him "If you're mad, you can kick the couch or the punching bag or go in your room and kick your bed. It's okay to be mad and if you need a hug or want me to hold you I will totally do that because I know how frustrating things can be sometimes." It's been really great because he can blow off steam and then he recovers very quickly (part of that may be his personality). We try not to be too overbearing with the "you have to obey" stuff but try to say it simply and empathically and explain God gave us to him to protect him and show him the right way to do things. And we try to add that it doesn't mean we're perfect but God is pleased when he obeys. We also try to be measured and calm about the "well, you do have to obey and if you choose not to then there's a consequence." I don't want to shame them, but let the consequence do all the talking (deprivation of privileges speaks volumes to them!). When Judah was littler he had a tantrum mat, and Rilian has a tantrum mat now, just a little rug she can go to and freak out on and pound and kick and flail around. Then she seems to recover well too. She is emotional too like Audra and I try to make a point of letting her know I really care about her feelings, because you know, it does hurt your heart as a mommy to see your baby be sad. I just hold her when she cries and tell her it's okay to cry and be sad. (I get this from my counselor who says it's human nature to 'shut out' bad feelings but that it's important and healthy to let the sadness wash over with you and only then can you really move on from it.) Anyway, we've been having good success with this, not to say it's always easy and definitely not to say we always handle these thigns well. And if a tantrum or crying episode goes on really long, we tell them they have to go in their room and deal with it there for awhile. But I also don't want to just send them to their rooms when they're feeling mad because that sort of sends the message that I'm not interested in supporting their emotions.
Anyway, I've written a novel here, this is just a subject I think about a lot! And I'm really interested in what other people have to say too.
Good discussion--and hi, Stephanie!--we deal with this a LOT at our house. I realized last year that I was handling it in a completely wrong way, expecting Christopher to be happy all the time. So I started saying, "It is ok to be sad that we are leaving the park, but it is not ok to throw a tantrum." I try to suggest other ways that he can express his feelings without being disobedient. And he's outgrown this now, but I used to "squeeze the sad out"--it was a good way for me to remind myself to be empathetic and comforting even when his crying was really aggravating me. At home, he has a chair that he can sit in and scream and cry as much as he wants. I think for him, getting away from the situation and being by himself for a few minutes helps him pull himself together. This whole issue is definitely something I struggle with as a mom--having to fight my instinct to just shut out all those negative feelings and be happy all the time, which would make my life much easier and less embarrassing. :)
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